You have received the transmission of the four mantras for the practice of true love. You know that it is not difficult to practice these mantras. You should learn them by heart, and you must have the courage, the wisdom, and the joy to practice them.
But if the situation has already become extremely difficult, what can you do? What can you do if love has already caused too much suffering between the two of you? For appearances, you behave so that others will think you two are still living together and that you still find joy in living together, but in reality there. is no more joy, there is no more happiness, and there isn't even communication anymore. You have lost the capacity to listen and to speak. Communication has become difficult, in fact impossible. What can you do in a situation like this? The two of you have been living together and making each other suffer.
According to Buddhism, we are dealing with samyojana, the lump of suffering within us that is translated as an "internal formation." When you say something that makes another person suffer, that person develops an "internal formation." If that person is trained in Buddhism, he or she will know how to untie that knot. If not, he will let it remain there in the depths of his consciousness. If you are a person who practices mindfulness, you will be aware that a knot has been formed in the person you love and you will know how to untie it.
Every day we say or do things that might leave behind "internal formations" in the person we love. Following that, then the suffering and pain can grow, and the person we love turns into something like a bomb that might explode at any moment. A few words are all it takes to trigger anger in this person, who you are afraid to approach and who you are afraid to talk to because he or she has become a bomb loaded with too much suffering. When you try to get away from him or her, this person thinks that you do so out of contempt, and their suffering increases. You also have become a bomb, because you have lost this ability to speak the language of peace, of understanding. YOu have lost the ability to listen, and so all communication has become impossible.
In Buddhism, we talk about a bodhisattva called Avalokiteshvara, the one who has the ability to listen and understand the suffering of others. If we evoke his name, it is in order to learn to listen.
In everyday life, deep listening, and attentive listening is a meditation. If you know the practice of mindful breathing, if you wish to maintain calm and living compassion within you, then deep listening will be possible.
Through the practice of walking meditation, through sitting meditation, through mindful breathing, we can cultivate calm, we can cultivate awareness, and we can cultivate compassion - and that way we will be able to sit there and listen to the other. The other suffers as long as he is in need of someone to listen to him; and you - you are the person who can do it. If someone has to have recourse to a psychotherapist, it is because no one in his house can listen. A psychotherapist should be able to sit there and really listen, but I know therapists who have suffered too much and do not truly have the ability to listen to their clients.
So if we love someone, we should train in being able to listen. By listening with calm and understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person. An hour spent in this way can already relieve a great deal of another person's pain. In Plum Village, our practice place, deep listening is a very important practice. Every week we get together once or twice to practice listening deeply to each other. As we listen, we do not say anything; we breathe deeply and we open our hearts in order to really listen to one another. One hour of this kind of listening is very effective, and it is something very precious that can be offered to the person you love.
- TNH
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